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Internet Legal Page
Wow! You actually came to this page. Our lawyers made us include it and made us use a
precious button on our home page to get you here. At first, we thought the lawyers were a
real pain. But then we read the page. What a Netwakening! It's really important stuff. We
took the legalese the lawyers wrote and translated it into readable English. So be a smart
nethead and read the stuff on this page. It could prevent you from hearing from our
lawyers, or worse yet, from really nasty people, like prosecutors.
Here's the deal:
We run this site so that people like you (and people you like) can use it for personal
entertainment, information, education, communication, and cybergratification. So go ahead
and browse around all you like. You can even download stuff from the site but only for
non-commercial, personal use. If you do, though, don't fool around with the copyright and
other notices all over the stuff. They're there for a really good reason. And don't even
think about distributing, modifying, transmitting, reusing, re-posting, or anything else
uncool with any of the stuff, including the text, images, audio, and video, for public or
commercial purposes unless we give you written permission. And it's not likely we will.
If you visit our site, you're also legally obligated to (read: stuck with) the terms and
conditions listed below and any other law or regulation that applies to the site, the
Internet, the World Wide Web, or Newark, NJ. You shouldn't access or browse the site if
you have any problem with that, because once you start, there's no turning back you are
bound by (read: stuck with) the terms and conditions.
So here's the scoop on our Top Ten Rules for Cybersurfers who hang out on our site.
1. For everyone's sake, just assume that everything on the site is copyrighted unless we
say it's not. So you can't use the stuff except how we say you can on this page or
anywhere else on the site without our written permission. And like we said before, it's
not likely we'll give you permission anyway. In fact, even if we wanted to, the lawyers
are likely to veto any deal anyway. So it's better you don't even ask.
2. While we try to include accurate stuff on the site, we're not promising you it's
accurate. In fact, we're not promising you anything except for fun and entertainment. So
if you use stuff on the site, you're using it at your own risk. Don't call us if there's a
problem because we assume no liability or responsibility for errors or omissions on the
site.
3. We and anybody else who helped us create, produce, or deliver the site are not liable
for any damages you suffer when you use it. In particular, the lawyers want you to know
that our disclaimer includes "direct, incidental, consequential, indirect, or
punitive damages arising out of your access to, or use of, the site. Without limiting the
foregoing, everything on the site is provided to you 'AS IS' WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND,
EITHER EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF
MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OR NON-INFRINGEMENT. Please note that
some jurisdictions may not allow the exclusion of implied warranties, so some of the above
exclusions may not apply to you. Check your local laws for any restrictions or limitations
regarding the exclusion of implied warranties." Ugh! What a mouthful from the
mouthpieces. We put all of that in quotes because we couldn't figure out any other way to
say it that the lawyers would accept. But here's the bottom line -- we're not responsible
if you're browsing around and the site damages you or your computer or infects it with any
nasty viruses. We sure hope that doesn't happen, but if it does, don't call us.
4. If you don't want the world to know something, don't post it on the site in any
bulletin board or anyplace else. That's because anything you disclose to us is ours.
That's right ours. So we can do anything we want with the stuff you post. We can reproduce
it, disclose it, transmit it, publish it, broadcast it, and post it someplace else. We can
even send it to your mother (as soon as we find her address). Not only that, we can even
use any ideas, concepts, know-how, or techniques you post any way we want to, including
developing, manufacturing and marketing products or other stuff using the information you
post.
5. Pictures of people or places shown on the site are either our property or someone
else's property we're using with their permission. No matter what, it's definitely not
your property. You or any of your net-friends can't use it unless we said you can on this
page or somewhere else on the site. And guess what we won't say yes. So be careful, Bunky,
because unauthorized use violate all sorts of nasty laws. Be smart, keep the stuff you
download to yourself.
6. There's also a lot of trademarks, logos, and service marks on the site, including ones
like (insert names of trademarks) that either we own or we're using with someone else's
permission. So don't think you have any kind of license or right to use them, because you
don't and we're not about to give you one. If you don't leave them alone and mess with our
trademarks, logos and service marks on our site, we'll probably go ballistic so will the
companies that own the other trademarks, logos and service marks. That means that we're
likely to sue you or ask a prosecutor to come after you for messing around with our
property or the property of others. If you should sue us or we should sue you, this
Agreement shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the State of
Connecticut without giving effect to it's conflicts of laws. Each of us irrevocably
consents to the exclusive jurisdiction and venue of the courts of the State of Connecticut
and of any Federal court located in Connecticut in connection with any action or
proceeding arising hereunder. Take it or leave it, pal.
7. You'll probably notice we've linked our site to lots of others. While that's cool, it
doesn't mean we've looked at all those sites, much less checked them out periodically to
see what's going on. So don't blame us if some site you link to is bad or has stuff on it
that offends you or your pets. Go ahead and link, but remember, you're doing it at your
risk.
8. That brings us to what you do on our own site. While we occasionally listen in on chat
groups, or look at the posting in our discussion groups or on our bulletin boards, we take
no responsibility and assume no liability for the content of those locations or for any
mistakes, defamation, liable, slander, omissions, falsehoods, obscenity, pornography, or
profanity you might encounter when you visit such places on our site. And don't be stupid
by posting or transmitting any unlawful, threatening, libelous, defamatory, obscene,
scandalous, inflammatory, pornographic, nasty, mean, or profane material or any material
that law enforcement types may consider a criminal offense, get someone in court on a
civil lawsuit, or for that matter violate any law -- anywhere, anytime. While we certainly
respect your privacy, we have no choice but to fully cooperate with any law enforcement
authorities or court which might ask us who might have posted nasty stuff on our site.
9. Software that we use on this site is protected by all sorts of patriotic U.S. laws.
Because of that, you can't download or send the software to anyone in the vacation travel
spots of Cuba, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Iran, Syria, or any other country where the
United States has embargoed goods; or (get this) to anyone on the United State Treasure
Department's list of Specially Designated Nationals, the U.S. Commerce Department's Table
of Deny Orders, or the FBI's Most Wanted Internet Creeps List (just kidding on the last
one). As if that were not tough enough, if you live in or are a national of any of those
places, you're not even supposed to be reading this page, so beat it!
10. We're also allowed to change this page and anything else on the site any time we want
to. That's because it's ours and we have the programmers who can do it. If we do change
the page, then you're bound by (stuck with) those changes, too, whenever you visit our
site.
If this all sounds kind of mean and undiplomatic, you should have seen what the lawyers
gave to us in the first place. We had to remind them that human torture and sacrifice was
outlawed in the United States. Boy, did they look disappointed.
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